Keeping Connections

On this New Year’s Eve, I am reflective. I am grateful. I have my family, my health, my friends. I am comfortable and cared for, buoyed by the many connections I have with the people in my life. These are the folks who help stir the feelings of happiness, love, and completeness in my bones. They are my mainstays.

A favorite exercise I often present in self-care workshops is “Categories of Connectedness.” It’s an excellent vehicle for bringing forth the many ways and reasons we connect with others and for recognizing those for whom we are grateful.

The act of placing the names of important folks in our lives within the categories is illuminating as we see who fulfills certain roles for us. We have our confidants, intellectual stretchers, models, mentors, health watchers, “chicken soup” folks, and fun and adventure people. Some names appear in multiple categories. Some categories may be vacant -- for now.

• Confidants -- those whom we can tell anything in the world about us and trust our words will go nowhere
• Intellectual Stretchers -- those whose actions, words, and deeds propel us to think and grow
•  Models -- the folks about whom we say or think, “I want to be just like them.”
• Mentors -- the ones who take us under their wings, guide us or pave the way for us
•  Health watchers -- those who remind us to make our appointments for physicals or mammograms, provide us with healthy recipes and choices, or research the medications the doctor prescribed. They are also our workout buddies.
• “Chicken Soup” folks -- the ones who we turn to in time of crisis and know we will leave them feeling all the better.
•  Fun and Adventure souls -- those whom we count on for a laughs and excitement or new, enjoyable experiences

Who are the people you have in each category? If there are empty spots, your mission is to seek and watch and allow someone in to occupy that category.

On whose lists would your name appear? These are the folks who look to you to satisfy a much-needed role in their lives.

Each of these dear family members or friends is a reason for our being. We are gifts to each other and all in this together. Let us stay connected or reconnect in 2016 for a healthy, happy, gratitude-filled year. Make that call or write an email or a letter. Soon.

With love and gratitude for each of you and looking forward to a happy, healthy, uplifting new year,

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: What it all Boils Down To

In earlier posts this year, I’ve encouraged us all to try a different way of communicating. I’ve mentioned Choice Theory and promised I would tell more about it later. While I’m no expert -- there are those who have studied long and practiced Choice Theory with clients for many years -- I can offer a simplistic explanation.

It all boils down to the fact that the only person whose behavior we can control is our own. All the rest -- the advising, “should-ing”, ordering, pleading, conversing -- is providing information. We can tell people what they ought to do, what we think is best for them, what we want and what we want them to do about it. But we can’t control what they choose to do.

Information or stimuli don’t make us behave in a certain way. Information is not in control of us. We choose our behavior based on the information we receive, our perception of it, and our belief that someone or something else can control our behavior.

The doorbell rings (stimulus). We have choices: 1) open the door  2) don’t answer the door. Many think responding to a ringing doorbell is a must-do. After all, it is RINGING! It’s summoning us; someone is here to see us. But, that doorbell is merely providing information: someone is at the door. We choose whether we want to open it, see who is there, and deal with them. On rare occasions, we decide we don’t want to be bothered by whomever it is, so we ignore the doorbell. Other times, we have prior information or may want to satisfy our curiosity, which influence our choice to open the door.

People will choose to behave in the way that best gets their needs met. In other words, they, we, all of us, are internally motivated. Our behavior choice is our attempt to take control of what is happening, with regard to what we want to be happening.

So, yes, our perceptions and behaviors are much more complex than this little explanation shows. But the idea of choosing our behavior to satisfy our needs and wants and bring us closer to the folks in our lives is fascinating. And, the practice is satisfying.  I invite you to keep an open mind, do your own further investigation of William Glasser's Choice Theory, and try out some of the principles to see the positive difference they make in your life.

~ xoA

Stepping it Up in 2014: A Different Way

Most of us were raised and have lived our lives on a hefty dose of External Control Psychology. Our parents, neighbors, teachers, bosses knew what was good and right for us and told us what to do. They lovingly (or not so lovingly) criticized and corrected us in an effort to help us improve. “Constructive Criticism.” Right. As children, when we asked “why,” an adult often answered, “because I said so,” wiping out any chance of discussion. 

William Glasser’s Choice Theory is opposite to External Control Psychology. The philosophy and language of Choice Theory invite conversation and therefore understanding. If people can work together to come up with a mutually-satisfying solution, both feel heard and validated. The bond between them tightens.

Here’s an example of each way to approach an issue:

Parent Using External Control Psychology:  “You never wear your boots in bad weather. I’m tired of telling you over and over to put them on. You get sick, then I have to miss work to take care of you. You never think about anybody but yourself!” (Deadly habits: criticizing, nagging, blaming)

Parent using Choice Theory: “I’m concerned about your having wet feet or becoming sick in this bad weather. Let’s talk about how we can both be satisfied with the boot situation. Tell me, is there a reason why you don’t like to wear your boots?”(Caring habits: listening, respecting, negotiating to a win-win)

One approach assaults and diminishes. The other respects and empowers. 

 

In dealing with others, we need to try eliminating the “Seven Deadly Habits” of criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, or rewarding to control (bribing). 

Practicing the “Seven Caring Habits” of supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences (to a win-win) makes a huge difference in relationships.

Instead of pushing them away, we want to keep those whom we love and need close to us.  Which of the deadly habits might you cut out today? Which of the caring habits might you begin to use even more than you do now?

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: Asking the Ultimate Question

Life is all about relationships. It’s about building and keeping strong connections with people who matter to us. They may be family, friends, co-workers, students, teachers, and others whom we deem essential in our lives.

Through years of observation and trial and error, most of us have learned how to deal with friends, co-workers, and even strangers. We make an effort to use non-offensive terms. We don’t ask questions that are not “our business.” And nagging? That’s out of the question.

With our families and those closest to us, though, we may ditch behaviors that allow us to get along in other relationships. Before we know it, we’ve let loose with words or repeat behaviors that shut down communication, fuel unhappiness, and jeopardize our relationships.

My friend Lillian introduced me to world-renowned psychiatrist William Glasser’s Choice Theory a number of years ago. I’d heard of Glasser before and used his techniques in my classroom. But, when I took Lil’s week-long Basic Intensive Training seminar, his theory resonated with me. It validated what I’d felt and experienced but didn’t know how to articulate. That week and the concepts I learned resulted in great strides in my personal development and enhanced how I take care of relationships.

How do we keep the people we need in our lives close to us? In his book, Choice Theory, Glasser, among other things, provides fresh insight on how we sustain relationships. He proposes that we ask the ourselves “Ultimate Question”: “If I say or do _______, will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?” We let the answer to that question guide our behavior and words. 

This doesn’t mean we never tackle the hard stuff, the problems, the dilemmas. But we approach them in a caring way, without using what Glasser calls the “Seven Deadly Habits.” When we criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish, or reward to control (bribe), we’re on a straight path to losing those whom we need in our lives. Instead, Glasser urges us to use the “Seven Caring Habits”: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences (to a win-win).

More about Choice Theory as we Step it Up in 2014. But for now, let’s begin to ask ourselves the ultimate question when dealing with others. “If I say or do _______, will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?” And, let’s choose to consciously practice one of the seven caring habits. Those two steps will make a difference to us and to our loved ones. 

For whom will you ask the ultimate question? Which of the seven caring habits will you choose?

~ xoA ~

Stepping it up in 2014: No Name-Calling Week

This week, January 20-24, is No Name-Calling Week. Inspired by a popular young-adult novel by James Howe called The Misfits, this year marks the 10^th anniversary of one of the largest anti-bullying initiatives in the United States.  Howe’s book is a story of four junior high friends who encounter bullying head on. They prevail by gaining the principal’s support for instituting a “No Name-Calling Day” at their school.

GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network) first picked up on the idea and began providing publicity and even lessons for teacher use. Then Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing joined in, and now we have the No Name-Calling Week Coalition. Like Bobby Goodspeed, the main character in The Misfits says, “One person can have an idea, but for the idea to translate into action, a whole community has to get behind it.”

This year, I’ve been using The DayMaker to share ideas about how we might communicate with each other, the importance of choosing our words carefully and using the language of validation. No Name-Calling Week meshes perfectly with this theme.  

I’m encouraging all of us, in the words of James Howe, to instead of calling names, “Think. And if you can, don’t speak. Don’t say the names.” Maybe we can turn No Name-Calling Week into a month and then a year, and then…  Just imagine.

~ xoA ~