Stepping it Up in 2014: Fun

We’ve observed babies having fun when playing with their toes, when engaged with a face-making parent, and when involved in a play date with other children their age. Fun is a need each of us can satisfy by ourselves, with one person, or in groups.

 

Some find their fun in quiet ways, like reading, fishing, or quilting. Others’ fun comes from dancing, running, or playing sports. Judy once took a math class for fun. My friend Karen gets excited about calligraphy. I enjoy wandering in a museum, reading every word of every description of every exhibit. Whatever we do that we define as “fun” fulfills this basic need.

Most of us have a friend, family member, or co-worker with a great sense of humor.  They are always joking or laughing. We may wonder if they ever take anything seriously. Sure they do, but they also experience a high need for fun.

In our classrooms, many teachers worked on the theory that when learning was enjoyable, students were more likely to engage and remember. Some of us invented games, made up songs, and designed activities that injected fun into the curriculum. Coming up with ideas and making them a reality gave us pleasure. Our joy and laughter kept us learning.

Though couples don’t have to share the same ideas of what constitutes fun, partners who both possess a high need have excellent prospects for a happy relationship. In keeping with their individual needs for freedom, they may choose some activities apart and some together. Fun takes off in new directions as the pair matures and their interests change. And, often the fun is in witnessing the other person’s excitement. 

“Twenty Loves” is an exercise from Sid Simon I like to use in workshops. Participants jot down twenty things they love to do. Going down their lists, they record the last time they did each activity. Often people are surprised at how much time has passed since they last did some of those fun things like walking on the beach or seeing a movie or hiking in the woods. This small reminder is sometimes all it takes to re-ignite enthusiasm. How would your list look? What is your current fun thing to do?

“It is essential to our well-being, and to our lives, that we play and enjoy life. Every single day, do something that makes your heart sing.” 

-Marcia Wieder, author, speaker, and founder of Dream University.

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: Freedom

Right from the beginning, I will disclose this truth: I have a high need for freedom. And, routines are not my thing. I crave the freedom and variety that come from randomness. My sister has commented that she couldn’t learn how to get to places when I was driving since I never took the same route twice. 

When there’s a job to be done, and I am confident in my ability to do it, I want to be left alone to figure out how to make it happen. That’s what I loved about teaching in my day. The state and school district spelled out the curriculum and objectives, and I was free to create my own units, lessons, and materials to meet those objectives. I often used students’ questions, interests and suggestions when designing activities.

Glasser says, “The more we are free and able to satisfy our needs in a way that does not stop another person from satisfying his or hers, the more we are able to use our creativity not only for our own benefit but for the benefit of everyone.” (p.40, Choice Theory)

Those of us who have a high need for freedom do not want to be micro-managed. We want to be creative and make decisions about how and when a job is done.

When entering into a romantic relationship, there’s some loss of personal freedom. This can be a big issue if the partners’ needs are far apart. The one with a high need for freedom may desire more room, more space. If he or she feels too restricted by a partner, the couple will have to come to some agreement about the amount of freedom that’s acceptable.

Couples who both have a higher need for freedom cherish being together but also spend time apart, pursuing individual interests and interacting with friends who share them. They “feel secure enough in their love and within themselves to not resent giving each other the space they need.” say William and Carleen Glasser in Getting Together and Staying Together. (p.35) 

So what about you and freedom? Low, medium, or high? Are you able to fulfill your need for it? Think about how you extend it to others -- your children, elderly parents, friends, and partner. How does your behavior allow them to satisfy their need for freedom?

~ xo A ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: Power

Power is a five-letter word that often gets a bad rap. That’s because we think of it in only one way: power = oppression, or “power over.” Choice Theory teaches there are two other types:  “power with” and “power within.” 

For weeks, I’d been mulling over this third segment on the topic of Glasser’s basic needs. Then Maya Angelou died.

I thought about the woman -- the beloved author, poet, teacher -- whose death brought tears flooding from around the globe. One reason her loss is felt so profoundly is she gave people the opportunity to find and express their personal power -- the power within. She encouraged and enlightened, straightened countless backbones with her words. They changed lives, made individuals try and do and become. 

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."   “We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated….”

In addition to her words, her example inspired us. Rising from her humble and troubled childhood to professor and poet laureate, her whole life, she reinvented herself, struck out to find new talents and master worlds. "Each of us has that right, that possibility, to invent ourselves daily. If a person does not invent herself, she will be invented. So, to be bodacious enough to invent ourselves is wise."

Every person needs personal power -- a say, or control, over our own lives and a feeling of accomplishment. Powerlessness begets rebellion, resistance, bullying, dishonesty, and even death.

“Power with” means working together, recognizing and respecting each others’ gifts and making use of them. When power is shared, everyone works together for the common good. In families, sports teams, and workplace teams, individual strengths meld to achieve a goal.

In 2002, Maya Angelou collaborated with Wake Forest University School of Medicine to launch the Maya Angelou Research Center on Minority Health. Their mission is to enhance wellness, improve quality of life and reduce the burden of disease in underrepresented minorities through education and research.

And, that bad rap that power usually gets? Speaking at a recent campaign fundraiser in Oregon, Senator Eliabeth Warren said, “Those with power fight to make sure that every rule tilts in their favor. And everyone else just gets left behind.” This is what most think about power.

But power can be a positive thing, used for good works and good deeds. Maya Angelou’s powerful works paved the way for other Black female writers, defended African-American culture, and fought negative stereotypes. “Scholar Lynn Z. Bloom compares Angelou's works to the writings of Frederick Douglass, stating that both fulfilled the same purpose: to describe black culture and to interpret it for their wider, white audiences.” (Wikipedia)

Power is one of our innate needs. People’s levels vary. In relationships, the easiest combo is when one person has a lower need for power than the other.

We’ve all heard people say about siblings, parents, or children, “We can’t get along; we’re too much alike, both stubborn.” That sounds like they both have a high need for power. To recognize this and negotiate so everyone’s needs get met at some time will enhance the relationship. Better yet would be joining forces and focusing their power on accomplishing a common goal. Voila! Their needs are met and they experience a beautiful thing: “power with.”

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: Love and Belonging

The need for love and belonging is the strongest of the basic psychological needs, according to William Glasser's Choice Theory. Our spouses, partners, family, and friends satisfy the need for love and belonging. So do groups, clubs, organizations, sports, and workplaces. It’s about love, relationships, giving and receiving affection, social connections, and being part of a group.

Long ago, people found out that when they banded together, belonged to a tribe or group, life was easier, more satisfying, and also safer, thereby also satisfying the need for survival. When we band together, we are cared for, feel comfortable and needed, and contribute to the good of all. We satisfy the need for love and belonging by cooperating with others.

As with all basic needs, everyone has them, but the degree or the intensity varies from person to person. In the workplace, we see those who have a lower need for love and belonging may prefer to work on their own and perhaps take their lunch out under a tree and sit alone to eat. Someone with a higher need may gather friends around a table at lunch time or suggest going out with one or more co-workers. These are the folks who might talk about their personal lives and become friends outside of work.

If you have a high level of need for love and belonging and are partnered with someone who has a much lower need, you may find yourself hanging onto your loved one to a point of annoyance to them. Since one person cannot be everything to a partner, seeking friends and groups outside the couple may be the way to get both parties’ needs met and sustain their relationship.

If we think about how our lives would be without our family and friends, we see how crucial it is to fulfill our need for love and belonging.

As a level 5, with a high need, I satisfy it by meeting up with individual friends for coffee and being involved in groups such as my writing club and the American Association of University Women (AAUW). I facilitate writing classes and attend conferences that help me personally and professionally.

What’s your level of need for love and belonging? your mate’s? your close family members’? How do you and they get this vital need satisfied? Which people or groups are instrumental in getting your requirement for love and belonging met? Working to see that each person's needs are met keeps our loved ones close.

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: Survival

Everyone is genetically programmed with five basic needs. Choice Theory explains these needs -- survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun -- and attempting to get them met, motivate all our behaviors and affect our relationships.

Brand new babies are born with survival methods. They cry and suck. When they cry, someone, usually their mothers, takes care of them. Besides getting comfort and nourishment, a strong bond grows between babies and their mothers. Children soon acquire additional techniques for getting their needs met.

Intensity of needs varies from person to person and can be characterized by numbers on a scale of 1-5, five being highest. Over the years, my need for survival has changed. I’ve fluctuated between 3 and 4, depending on my life stage and what became important to me. When I began riding my motorcycle, I’m sure friends and family thought I hovered at one. I figured a 4 since I took a motorcycle safety class, always wore protective gear, kept my motorcycle in top repair, and  practiced my skills. 

Survival involves physical safety, financial security, and emotional stability. Judy’s need for survival surpasses mine. She is our health watcher, organizing our annual exams. She logs the results of every blood test and examines the trends. In financial matters, she’s the one who watches the market and investigates options. We laugh together as she says, “I have a high need for safety,” while checking the doors and setting the alarm system at bedtime.

How can two people who are not at the same level of a particular need get along so well? Because I realize Judy’s a five on survival, I know when we’ve entered the house after taking a dip in the spa, she must be sure that the back patio door is secured. I step away and allow her to lock it herself. If I leave an open window, she says, “Just tell me that you’ve opened a window, and I’ll make sure it’s closed.” No drama; no making it personal. And no taking it personally.

Each partner’s behavior is about them and what they need, not about the other one. It’s essential to recognize this and not become offended or get angry at behavior that is an expression of the need. Then the couple is able to communicate, see the value in each other’s concerns, and carry on without blame or criticism.

Think about your close ones and their behaviors. Try to assess their need for survival on a scale of 1-5. Does one child save his money in a piggy bank while another spends all his or gives it away? Does a good friend choose to risk having health issues by ignoring her family history? What about a cousin who jogs and watches her diet? 

Where are you on survival? Understanding one’s own and each other’s needs, and behaving accordingly, is key in maintaining successful relationships.

~ xoA ~