Daymaker - a person who performs acts of kindness with the intention of making the world a better place.
~ David Wagner
, author of Life as a Daymaker; how to change the world by making someone's day ~

DayMaker - any thought, word, or deed that spreads happiness, compassion, or fruitful ideas.
~ Annis Cassells ~

Friday, April 25, 2014

Stepping it Up in 2014: Love and Belonging

The need for love and belonging is the strongest of the basic psychological needs, according to William Glasser's Choice Theory. Our spouses, partners, family, and friends satisfy the need for love and belonging. So do groups, clubs, organizations, sports, and workplaces. It’s about love, relationships, giving and receiving affection, social connections, and being part of a group.

Long ago, people found out that when they banded together, belonged to a tribe or group, life was easier, more satisfying, and also safer, thereby also satisfying the need for survival. When we band together, we are cared for, feel comfortable and needed, and contribute to the good of all. We satisfy the need for love and belonging by cooperating with others.

As with all basic needs, everyone has them, but the degree or the intensity varies from person to person. In the workplace, we see those who have a lower need for love and belonging may prefer to work on their own and perhaps take their lunch out under a tree and sit alone to eat. Someone with a higher need may gather friends around a table at lunch time or suggest going out with one or more co-workers. These are the folks who might talk about their personal lives and become friends outside of work.

If you have a high level of need for love and belonging and are partnered with someone who has a much lower need, you may find yourself hanging onto your loved one to a point of annoyance to them. Since one person cannot be everything to a partner, seeking friends and groups outside the couple may be the way to get both parties’ needs met and sustain their relationship.

If we think about how our lives would be without our family and friends, we see how crucial it is to fulfill our need for love and belonging.

As a level 5, with a high need, I satisfy it by meeting up with individual friends for coffee and being involved in groups such as my writing club and the American Association of University Women (AAUW). I facilitate writing classes and attend conferences that help me personally and professionally.

What’s your level of need for love and belonging? your mate’s? your close family members’? How do you and they get this vital need satisfied? Which people or groups are instrumental in getting your requirement for love and belonging met? Working to see that each person's needs are met keeps our loved ones close.

~ xoA ~


  1. Another great post, Annis! It took me a long time to realize that my high level of love and belonging is healthy and not needy, and then that Riley's lower level is just as healthy. Thanks for the reminder, and so eloquently! Xoxo - M.

    1. Michelle, thanks for your kind words and for sharing your own experience. Comments like this are a gift to each reader.

      You AND Riley are just perfect! Understanding how to -- and that we can --relate to loved ones with different needs levels makes the difference in the relationship. Again, one person cannot meet another's every need. Thank you. xoA

  2. After reading this post, I've thought about people from my past. I used to think they were just overly needy and would drive me crazy but now I see they had a high level of belonging. I think my level changes depending on what I might be going through. Sometimes I'm happy to be on my own, but other times I really need to be among my friends.

    Maybe if more people understood the need for belonging there would be less unhappy people. Others wouldn't view them as needy, and they could receive what they need to stay mentally healthy.

    Great post!

    1. You know, Joan, it would help alleviate unhappiness if people understood their own and each others' needs intensities.

      And, yes, our levels change according to where we are in our lives and what we picture in our Quality World. (More about Quality World after we do the basic needs.)

      Thanks so much for writing and sharing. I appreciate your encouragement and your insights. xoA

  3. LOVE this post. I'm the person out under the tree. I don't want work to be social. My personal life is so very different then those I work with, socializing with them is difficult. Our interests couldn't be farther apart. Hubby and I are now pretty similar, though in our early years, he had less need them me. I've relaxed and he's grown more we meet someone in the middle nowdays. He was an only, I had 2 sibs...think that plays into it as well. I work with more people then he does, so our people contact is differnet also. I love quiet, and am quite happy doing things solo. He liked to take group vacations, I disliked all the hubbub...and now that we're older, he likes not taking group vacations too.........we've grown to like being just the two of us.

    1. Sounds like you two have found a great balance. Exactly what needs to happen with those whom we love and want in our lives. Thanks for sharing your story, Sandy. xoA