Everyone is
genetically programmed with five basic needs. Choice Theory explains these
needs -- survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun -- and
attempting to get them met, motivate all our behaviors and affect our relationships.
Brand new babies
are born with survival methods. They cry and suck. When they cry, someone,
usually their mothers, takes care of them. Besides getting comfort and
nourishment, a strong bond grows between babies and their mothers. Children
soon acquire additional techniques for getting their needs met.
Intensity of
needs varies from person to person and can be characterized by numbers on a
scale of 1-5, five being highest. Over the years, my need for survival has
changed. I’ve fluctuated between 3 and 4, depending on my life stage and what
became important to me. When I began riding my motorcycle, I’m sure friends and
family thought I hovered at one. I figured a 4 since I took a motorcycle safety
class, always wore protective gear, kept my motorcycle in top repair, and practiced my skills.
Survival involves
physical safety, financial security, and emotional stability. Judy’s need for
survival surpasses mine. She is our health watcher, organizing our annual exams.
She logs the results of every blood test and examines the trends. In financial
matters, she’s the one who watches the market and investigates options. We
laugh together as she says, “I have a high need for safety,” while checking the
doors and setting the alarm system at bedtime.
How can two
people who are not at the same level of a particular need get along so well?
Because I realize Judy’s a five on survival, I know when we’ve entered the
house after taking a dip in the spa, she must be sure that the back patio door
is secured. I step away and allow her to lock it herself. If I leave an open window,
she says, “Just tell me that you’ve opened a window, and I’ll make sure it’s
closed.” No drama; no making it personal. And no taking it personally.
Each partner’s
behavior is about them and what they need, not about the other one. It’s
essential to recognize this and not become offended or get angry at behavior
that is an expression of the need. Then the couple is able to communicate, see
the value in each other’s concerns, and carry on without blame or criticism.
Think about your
close ones and their behaviors. Try to assess their need for survival on a
scale of 1-5. Does one child save his money in a piggy bank while another
spends all his or gives it away? Does a good friend choose to risk having
health issues by ignoring her family history? What about a cousin who jogs and
watches her diet?
Where are you on survival? Understanding one’s own and each
other’s needs, and behaving accordingly, is key in maintaining successful relationships.
~ xoA ~
This is really fascinating. I've never thought about rating survival among the different family members and how it varies from person to person.
ReplyDeleteI know I can let some things go, but others I struggle with. My ex-husband used to never lock the front door at night, in fact he even left his keys in the lock on several occasions. This would really freak me out and I'd have to get up and check the door each time before I went to bed. Now, with David, I trust him to lock up. My need for survival went from a 5 to a 2 because I don't have to worry about that any more.
I like the examples you gave of you and Judy, although different, you've learned how to make each other comfortable with their own concerns for survival.
Great post!
Thanks, Joan. I appreciate you sharing your experiences. You've hit one of the main points, it's each person being comfortable, getting his or her needs met, in such a way that it doesn't "infringe" on the other's needs. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. xoA
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