Searching

I didn’t want my next post to be a rant. That is not the style or purpose of The DayMaker.

I’d been searching for what I could say that would be positive. Show compassion. Lead the way. Present a solution or an action. Express my sadness, incredulity, and concern without condemning or vilifying. I didn’t want to fly about helter-skelter then zero in like a missile seeking its target.

So I have been silent.

But too often now, I am swallowing the sickness I feel over the tragedies and losses through gun violence. Too often I am turning away from photos of terrorists, foreign or home-grown. Too often I am appalled by the attacks on people who dare to claim the right to practice their religion or the freedom to make choices that affect their lives. Too often, I am stunned by the words of full-of-themselves politicians and wannabes.

Too much I am wondering how I can NOT let THEM, those outside forces, change ME. So when a coach friend, Karen Tax, posted a quote that spoke to me on Facebook, I knew I had to share it. 

These words were what I’d been searching for.

Written by Iain S. Thomas, 2007, in his blog post, The Fur

For sure, Thomas’s words don’t solve the world problems we face. But they help reinforce to me that I don’t have to become someone I don’t want to be.

What words have inspired you lately? Maybe they will make a bit of brightness for the rest of us, too.

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: A Different Way

Most of us were raised and have lived our lives on a hefty dose of External Control Psychology. Our parents, neighbors, teachers, bosses knew what was good and right for us and told us what to do. They lovingly (or not so lovingly) criticized and corrected us in an effort to help us improve. “Constructive Criticism.” Right. As children, when we asked “why,” an adult often answered, “because I said so,” wiping out any chance of discussion. 

William Glasser’s Choice Theory is opposite to External Control Psychology. The philosophy and language of Choice Theory invite conversation and therefore understanding. If people can work together to come up with a mutually-satisfying solution, both feel heard and validated. The bond between them tightens.

Here’s an example of each way to approach an issue:

Parent Using External Control Psychology:  “You never wear your boots in bad weather. I’m tired of telling you over and over to put them on. You get sick, then I have to miss work to take care of you. You never think about anybody but yourself!” (Deadly habits: criticizing, nagging, blaming)

Parent using Choice Theory: “I’m concerned about your having wet feet or becoming sick in this bad weather. Let’s talk about how we can both be satisfied with the boot situation. Tell me, is there a reason why you don’t like to wear your boots?”(Caring habits: listening, respecting, negotiating to a win-win)

One approach assaults and diminishes. The other respects and empowers. 

 

In dealing with others, we need to try eliminating the “Seven Deadly Habits” of criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, or rewarding to control (bribing). 

Practicing the “Seven Caring Habits” of supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences (to a win-win) makes a huge difference in relationships.

Instead of pushing them away, we want to keep those whom we love and need close to us.  Which of the deadly habits might you cut out today? Which of the caring habits might you begin to use even more than you do now?

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: Asking the Ultimate Question

Life is all about relationships. It’s about building and keeping strong connections with people who matter to us. They may be family, friends, co-workers, students, teachers, and others whom we deem essential in our lives.

Through years of observation and trial and error, most of us have learned how to deal with friends, co-workers, and even strangers. We make an effort to use non-offensive terms. We don’t ask questions that are not “our business.” And nagging? That’s out of the question.

With our families and those closest to us, though, we may ditch behaviors that allow us to get along in other relationships. Before we know it, we’ve let loose with words or repeat behaviors that shut down communication, fuel unhappiness, and jeopardize our relationships.

My friend Lillian introduced me to world-renowned psychiatrist William Glasser’s Choice Theory a number of years ago. I’d heard of Glasser before and used his techniques in my classroom. But, when I took Lil’s week-long Basic Intensive Training seminar, his theory resonated with me. It validated what I’d felt and experienced but didn’t know how to articulate. That week and the concepts I learned resulted in great strides in my personal development and enhanced how I take care of relationships.

How do we keep the people we need in our lives close to us? In his book, Choice Theory, Glasser, among other things, provides fresh insight on how we sustain relationships. He proposes that we ask the ourselves “Ultimate Question”: “If I say or do _______, will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?” We let the answer to that question guide our behavior and words. 

This doesn’t mean we never tackle the hard stuff, the problems, the dilemmas. But we approach them in a caring way, without using what Glasser calls the “Seven Deadly Habits.” When we criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish, or reward to control (bribe), we’re on a straight path to losing those whom we need in our lives. Instead, Glasser urges us to use the “Seven Caring Habits”: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences (to a win-win).

More about Choice Theory as we Step it Up in 2014. But for now, let’s begin to ask ourselves the ultimate question when dealing with others. “If I say or do _______, will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?” And, let’s choose to consciously practice one of the seven caring habits. Those two steps will make a difference to us and to our loved ones. 

For whom will you ask the ultimate question? Which of the seven caring habits will you choose?

~ xoA ~

Stepping it up in 2014: Choosing our Words

“Warmth and goodwill extended to one person not only make that person happy, but spread the joy to others around, and the chain goes on.”  ~Author Unknown

If we can stop and think about what we say, we hold the potential to change the world, or at least OUR own world.  Replacing negative words with positive, loving words can make a huge difference in our relationships.  It can change the course of our lives as well as those of anyone with whom we come in contact.

Our words are powerful. They create a reaction in the people who hear them, whether the words are directed to them or merely witnessed by them. Genuine encouragement, appreciation, love, acceptance, and affirmation can mend and strengthen. Their opposites debilitate and crush. We can see another person blossom -- or crumple -- depending on the words she or he routinely hears.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours,” said Eric Idle, English comedian, author, and actor. Words create emotional responses that intensify an individual’s reaction. What may seem like a harmless comment to one person may have such emotion attached for the listener that it chips away at her self-confidence and self-esteem.

Then there are folks like one of the women in my writing club who consistently notices others’ talents and admirable qualities. Liberal with her “thank you’s” and genuine with her praise, she chooses words that validate, and when she speaks them about us and to us, we glow. Her words serve to encourage everyone within listening range.

Let’s make 2014 a year of being conscious about our word choices. Let’s use the power of positive words to build others up and to enhance our relationships and our world. 

Sticks and stones may break some bones, but appreciative, affirming words uplift and heal.

~ xoA ~

Maybe, By Now

 

It was days after Newtown before I could sit down to write. When I did, what evolved became a poem. So I offer it here, along with a hopeful prayer written by Katherine Hafeli Scheler.

                   Maybe, by Now

My heart aches for the people of Newtown.

I shake my head in disbelief.

Another disaster burnt into memory

Forever recalling

Where, when, how

We heard the news

We’ve spent too much time reacting to tragedy

Shed too many tears

Sent too many Teddy bears

Texted too many donations

Prayed too many prayers

For someone’s children lost

For families ravaged

We’ve spent too many hours, days, years

Trying to comprehend.

Columbine.

Virginia Tech.

Tucson.

Aurora.

Oak Creek.

Now Newtown.

Maybe, by now

We do comprehend.

No longer can we bear

To live in fear

Explain the unspeakable

Console each other in grief

Merely talk about change

Maybe, by now

We get it that

Time with loved ones

Real conversations

Genuine caring for

And taking care of

Each other

Doing something

Make the difference.

Maybe, by now

We are ready to

Take notice

Build relationships

Spread love

Take action

Create change

Ready to restore

Childhood’s innocence

Humanity’s  grace.

  December 20, 2012 

"Let today be guided by a fair wind, let us sail on an even keel, and let the hearts of men be overwhelmed with peace as we bear the burdens of our brothers and prepare to do our part in healing the ills of our world."

     ~ Katherine Hafeli Scheler

~ xo A ~