Searching

I didn’t want my next post to be a rant. That is not the style or purpose of The DayMaker.

I’d been searching for what I could say that would be positive. Show compassion. Lead the way. Present a solution or an action. Express my sadness, incredulity, and concern without condemning or vilifying. I didn’t want to fly about helter-skelter then zero in like a missile seeking its target.

So I have been silent.

But too often now, I am swallowing the sickness I feel over the tragedies and losses through gun violence. Too often I am turning away from photos of terrorists, foreign or home-grown. Too often I am appalled by the attacks on people who dare to claim the right to practice their religion or the freedom to make choices that affect their lives. Too often, I am stunned by the words of full-of-themselves politicians and wannabes.

Too much I am wondering how I can NOT let THEM, those outside forces, change ME. So when a coach friend, Karen Tax, posted a quote that spoke to me on Facebook, I knew I had to share it. 

These words were what I’d been searching for.

Written by Iain S. Thomas, 2007, in his blog post, The Fur

For sure, Thomas’s words don’t solve the world problems we face. But they help reinforce to me that I don’t have to become someone I don’t want to be.

What words have inspired you lately? Maybe they will make a bit of brightness for the rest of us, too.

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: What it all Boils Down To

In earlier posts this year, I’ve encouraged us all to try a different way of communicating. I’ve mentioned Choice Theory and promised I would tell more about it later. While I’m no expert -- there are those who have studied long and practiced Choice Theory with clients for many years -- I can offer a simplistic explanation.

It all boils down to the fact that the only person whose behavior we can control is our own. All the rest -- the advising, “should-ing”, ordering, pleading, conversing -- is providing information. We can tell people what they ought to do, what we think is best for them, what we want and what we want them to do about it. But we can’t control what they choose to do.

Information or stimuli don’t make us behave in a certain way. Information is not in control of us. We choose our behavior based on the information we receive, our perception of it, and our belief that someone or something else can control our behavior.

The doorbell rings (stimulus). We have choices: 1) open the door  2) don’t answer the door. Many think responding to a ringing doorbell is a must-do. After all, it is RINGING! It’s summoning us; someone is here to see us. But, that doorbell is merely providing information: someone is at the door. We choose whether we want to open it, see who is there, and deal with them. On rare occasions, we decide we don’t want to be bothered by whomever it is, so we ignore the doorbell. Other times, we have prior information or may want to satisfy our curiosity, which influence our choice to open the door.

People will choose to behave in the way that best gets their needs met. In other words, they, we, all of us, are internally motivated. Our behavior choice is our attempt to take control of what is happening, with regard to what we want to be happening.

So, yes, our perceptions and behaviors are much more complex than this little explanation shows. But the idea of choosing our behavior to satisfy our needs and wants and bring us closer to the folks in our lives is fascinating. And, the practice is satisfying.  I invite you to keep an open mind, do your own further investigation of William Glasser's Choice Theory, and try out some of the principles to see the positive difference they make in your life.

~ xoA

Stepping it Up in 2014: A Different Way

Most of us were raised and have lived our lives on a hefty dose of External Control Psychology. Our parents, neighbors, teachers, bosses knew what was good and right for us and told us what to do. They lovingly (or not so lovingly) criticized and corrected us in an effort to help us improve. “Constructive Criticism.” Right. As children, when we asked “why,” an adult often answered, “because I said so,” wiping out any chance of discussion. 

William Glasser’s Choice Theory is opposite to External Control Psychology. The philosophy and language of Choice Theory invite conversation and therefore understanding. If people can work together to come up with a mutually-satisfying solution, both feel heard and validated. The bond between them tightens.

Here’s an example of each way to approach an issue:

Parent Using External Control Psychology:  “You never wear your boots in bad weather. I’m tired of telling you over and over to put them on. You get sick, then I have to miss work to take care of you. You never think about anybody but yourself!” (Deadly habits: criticizing, nagging, blaming)

Parent using Choice Theory: “I’m concerned about your having wet feet or becoming sick in this bad weather. Let’s talk about how we can both be satisfied with the boot situation. Tell me, is there a reason why you don’t like to wear your boots?”(Caring habits: listening, respecting, negotiating to a win-win)

One approach assaults and diminishes. The other respects and empowers. 

 

In dealing with others, we need to try eliminating the “Seven Deadly Habits” of criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, or rewarding to control (bribing). 

Practicing the “Seven Caring Habits” of supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences (to a win-win) makes a huge difference in relationships.

Instead of pushing them away, we want to keep those whom we love and need close to us.  Which of the deadly habits might you cut out today? Which of the caring habits might you begin to use even more than you do now?

~ xoA ~

Stepping it Up in 2014: Asking the Ultimate Question

Life is all about relationships. It’s about building and keeping strong connections with people who matter to us. They may be family, friends, co-workers, students, teachers, and others whom we deem essential in our lives.

Through years of observation and trial and error, most of us have learned how to deal with friends, co-workers, and even strangers. We make an effort to use non-offensive terms. We don’t ask questions that are not “our business.” And nagging? That’s out of the question.

With our families and those closest to us, though, we may ditch behaviors that allow us to get along in other relationships. Before we know it, we’ve let loose with words or repeat behaviors that shut down communication, fuel unhappiness, and jeopardize our relationships.

My friend Lillian introduced me to world-renowned psychiatrist William Glasser’s Choice Theory a number of years ago. I’d heard of Glasser before and used his techniques in my classroom. But, when I took Lil’s week-long Basic Intensive Training seminar, his theory resonated with me. It validated what I’d felt and experienced but didn’t know how to articulate. That week and the concepts I learned resulted in great strides in my personal development and enhanced how I take care of relationships.

How do we keep the people we need in our lives close to us? In his book, Choice Theory, Glasser, among other things, provides fresh insight on how we sustain relationships. He proposes that we ask the ourselves “Ultimate Question”: “If I say or do _______, will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?” We let the answer to that question guide our behavior and words. 

This doesn’t mean we never tackle the hard stuff, the problems, the dilemmas. But we approach them in a caring way, without using what Glasser calls the “Seven Deadly Habits.” When we criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish, or reward to control (bribe), we’re on a straight path to losing those whom we need in our lives. Instead, Glasser urges us to use the “Seven Caring Habits”: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences (to a win-win).

More about Choice Theory as we Step it Up in 2014. But for now, let’s begin to ask ourselves the ultimate question when dealing with others. “If I say or do _______, will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?” And, let’s choose to consciously practice one of the seven caring habits. Those two steps will make a difference to us and to our loved ones. 

For whom will you ask the ultimate question? Which of the seven caring habits will you choose?

~ xoA ~