Most of us were raised and have lived our lives on a hefty
dose of External Control Psychology. Our parents, neighbors, teachers, bosses
knew what was good and right for us and told us what to do. They lovingly (or
not so lovingly) criticized and corrected us in an effort to help us improve.
“Constructive Criticism.” Right. As children, when we asked “why,” an adult
often answered, “because I said so,” wiping out any chance of discussion.
William Glasser’s Choice Theory is opposite to External
Control Psychology. The philosophy and language of Choice Theory invite
conversation and therefore understanding. If people can work together to come
up with a mutually-satisfying solution, both feel heard and validated. The bond
between them tightens.
Here’s an example of each way to approach an issue:
Parent Using
External Control Psychology: “You never
wear your boots in bad weather. I’m tired of telling you over and over to put
them on. You get sick, then I have to miss work to take care of you.
You never think about anybody but yourself!” (Deadly habits: criticizing, nagging,
blaming)
Parent using
Choice Theory: “I’m concerned about your having wet feet or becoming sick in
this bad weather. Let’s talk about how we can both be satisfied with the boot
situation. Tell me, is there a reason why you don’t like to wear your boots?”(Caring
habits: listening, respecting, negotiating to a win-win)
One approach assaults and diminishes. The other respects and
empowers.
In dealing with others, we need to try eliminating the
“Seven Deadly Habits” of criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging,
threatening, punishing, or rewarding to control (bribing).
Practicing the “Seven Caring Habits” of supporting,
encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating
differences (to a win-win) makes a huge difference in relationships.
Instead of pushing them away, we want to keep those whom we
love and need close to us. Which of the
deadly habits might you cut out today? Which of the caring habits might you
begin to use even more than you do now?
~ xoA ~
