Keeping Connections

On this New Year’s Eve, I am reflective. I am grateful. I have my family, my health, my friends. I am comfortable and cared for, buoyed by the many connections I have with the people in my life. These are the folks who help stir the feelings of happiness, love, and completeness in my bones. They are my mainstays.

A favorite exercise I often present in self-care workshops is “Categories of Connectedness.” It’s an excellent vehicle for bringing forth the many ways and reasons we connect with others and for recognizing those for whom we are grateful.

The act of placing the names of important folks in our lives within the categories is illuminating as we see who fulfills certain roles for us. We have our confidants, intellectual stretchers, models, mentors, health watchers, “chicken soup” folks, and fun and adventure people. Some names appear in multiple categories. Some categories may be vacant -- for now.

• Confidants -- those whom we can tell anything in the world about us and trust our words will go nowhere
• Intellectual Stretchers -- those whose actions, words, and deeds propel us to think and grow
•  Models -- the folks about whom we say or think, “I want to be just like them.”
• Mentors -- the ones who take us under their wings, guide us or pave the way for us
•  Health watchers -- those who remind us to make our appointments for physicals or mammograms, provide us with healthy recipes and choices, or research the medications the doctor prescribed. They are also our workout buddies.
• “Chicken Soup” folks -- the ones who we turn to in time of crisis and know we will leave them feeling all the better.
•  Fun and Adventure souls -- those whom we count on for a laughs and excitement or new, enjoyable experiences

Who are the people you have in each category? If there are empty spots, your mission is to seek and watch and allow someone in to occupy that category.

On whose lists would your name appear? These are the folks who look to you to satisfy a much-needed role in their lives.

Each of these dear family members or friends is a reason for our being. We are gifts to each other and all in this together. Let us stay connected or reconnect in 2016 for a healthy, happy, gratitude-filled year. Make that call or write an email or a letter. Soon.

With love and gratitude for each of you and looking forward to a happy, healthy, uplifting new year,

~ xoA ~

Conversations about Race: TalkBack #2

Folks are talking about race. Facebook and blog comments, personal emails, and face-to-face discussions pop up daily. Today’s TalkBack shares a few responses.

DOUBLE CONSCIOUSNESS

A recent message came from my friend Cristina as she reflected on her behavior and feelings. Her words prompted conversations between our family members about “double consciousness.”

“When I interact with a person who seems of African background, I tend to have this heightened sense of "double consciousness". I'm monitoring myself and also wondering what that person of color is
thinking/feeling about me and the situation as we interact. I sense the other person may be doing the same. Tellingly, this only happens to me in America.”

“Double consciousness” is the phrase that struck Judy and me. Judy remarked on her own double consciousness. She pays attention to her words, tone, and body language, attempting to ensure they come across to show she’s receptive and friendly. “I think a large percentage of white people, namely those who are sensitive to race issues, feel this way too,” she said.

Cristina considered the reasons for her heightened awareness and monitoring, “Part of it has to do with the past slavery and continuing segregation/prejudice in America and my feelings of shame and guilt and anger over this. Part of it has to do with trying to imagine myself and my ancestors living in slavery and segregation. And who knows what else?”

When I shared the gist of Cristina’s post with my brother, Thomas, he related it to his job transporting disabled and elderly folks. He told of the sensitivity training bus drivers must complete and how he checks clients out to see how they might be taking his words and attempts to provide assistance.

Though we may not be conscious of it, I think most people monitor themselves and others in any conversation where the folks they are talking with matter to them. We do it with our family members, employees, friends, and strangers we want to get to know. So, when dealing with someone of a different ethnic group, if we want to be open to becoming acquainted, or developing a relationship, we exercise consciousness.

EMBRACING DIFFERENCES

We all notice differences.  How individuals, groups, communities, or countries view those differences influences how they accept or treat people.

“I am sure the people who claim to be "colorblind" have the same ability to see race that we all have. I am guessing what they mean is color doesn't matter to them in terms of accepting people as equal, friends, whatever,” friend and colleague Joan Kerr said. (See the blog comments for Joan’s full text.)

My poet friend Halia Pushkar shared, “I see this partly from a Canadian point of view, where history has been different, but prejudice there has also thrived, against immigrants, against religions, against native people, against differentness.”

Another friend, Sandy Burris, consciously chose her path. (See Sandy’s full text in the blog comments.) “Having grown up very racially isolated, I determined to provide my daughter with a DIFFERENT experience. It's been easy . . . my particular hobbies (especially dance) surround me with such a variety of very cool people--who come in all colors, sizes, shapes, ages, and sexual preferences. I think really, it's not colorblindness we seek, but simply openness to different ways of being.”

Some of us welcome differences. Others experience fear, either because of the unknown and/or imagined possibilities or because of misinformation and stories.

It seems to me, two things are a beginning toward improving race relations: 1) our willingness to experience and embrace differences and 2) taking a look at our interactions and noticing how we’re being received and responded to.

What do you think?

~ xoA ~

Conversations about Race: Colorblindness

Teachers shift their eyes left and upward as they mentally go along the rows or seating groups, counting on their fingers when asked how many Black or Latino students are in their class. In our teaching mode, we notice who seems to be understanding, who looks puzzled, who is not paying attention. We look at the whole, see our class as one entity, but when working with individuals, we often need to pay attention to their ethnic and cultural variations.

A generation or two ago in America, we heard people -- mostly White people -- say, “I’m colorblind.” They meant a person’s skin color didn’t matter to them. Peace. Love. Brotherhood.

Today, Black folks flinch when they hear that phrase. Some view it as a sign of disrespect. Others see it as racist.

I’m not colorblind. I notice other people of color -- on the street, in a hallway, in a store, at a highway rest stop. But, I don’t think, “Oh, there’s a White person.” when I see one. That is, unless I am traveling in Africa. When in Mexico or South America and I see a White person, I wonder, “Do they speak English?”

I’m not colorblind. I notice whether a newly-met person is Black, White, Asian, or Latino. For one thing, I’m human, curious, interested in people and who they are. As a writer, I observe physical features, voices, accents, and mannerisms. On observation, I may speculate about people’s historical background and what they might have experienced in their lifetime.

Regardless of a person’s ethnicity, I look for ways we can connect. I see them, but my decision to interact with them or to become friends is not based on skin color or cultural group. It’s about our commonalities, whether we have similar interests, values, or upbringing.

Do we automatically become friends? No. But we have a starting place and a good chance. How they treat me and others, whether we can laugh together, our ability to listen to and respect each others’ point of view when our beliefs and experiences are not in harmony, the truth of our words, and the trust we build. These factors nurture friendship.

How comfortable do you feel in stepping outside your own group to make new friends? Has doing so affected your outlook and thinking? And, how do you think being your friend has affected them?

~ xo A ~

20 Loves, Part 9: Face-to-Face Time

I love getting together for a chat with a friend over a cuppa coffee or tea. Time together without distractions lets me concentrate on the person I’m with and really hear his or her stories. We get to catch up on each others’ lives and continue cultivating our friendship.

 

Picking up from where we left off last time, it's as if it was only yesterday since we were together. News about family, travels, business ventures, health issues, and our latest projects take center stage. How are the grandchildren? How’s the new knee doing? What are you writing? We exchange ideas about world events and discuss future plans. Where’s your next trip?

We celebrate our blessings and console each other over the bad stuff. We ask for help. And, we figure out what we can do to give it. The time and the talk demonstrate our importance to each other.

Many of us lead busy, full lives. I’ve learned that touching base by phone or email, and finding an hour or so to get together, ensure that I can keep up with my peeps in person. Tending to friendships means making time for friends in our lives. When time together is a priority, the friendship becomes richer and deeper.

Though the staff at Starbucks or Camille’s or Panera Bread may begin to recognize me on sight, they shouldn't think it’s about my desire for coffee. It’s all about my love of connecting and having face-to-face time with friends. 

When have you had time with a friend?

 ~ xoA ~

 

Harvest Lunch

We stood in line for veggies. In my younger days, when I was cultivating a close personal relationship with at least twenty-five of Baskin-Robbins’s 31 Flavors, never did I imagine eagerly awaiting a luncheon harvested from the gardens of friends and neighbors. But, the annual Harvest Lunch in Coos Bay is irresistible. It’s a perfect introduction to some vegetables that folks may never have tasted -- or ones they might feel hesitant to cook at home. 

For seven years now, the Southwest Community Garden Association and Chef Jardin Kazaar of Black Market Gourmet have cooked up a bounteous vegetable feast that’s worth standing in line to get.

Master gardeners provide the produce from their community garden plots and from their own home gardens as well. Kristen and Jardin Kazaar and their staff prep all the food and transport it, along with their portable grill and other catering gear, and orchestrate the whole event.

Patrons pour out of downtown offices and businesses, hustling to Ladybug Landing, the site of the original community garden in this area. Today, four additional community gardens thrive in nearby towns throughout Coos County. 

 Walking down our hill to the garden, Judy and I found our friend Karen (who is also one of the community garden founders) greeting everyone. A number of our buddies already had gathered. About half had just worked out together at the fitness center’s morning classes. For some of us, it was the chance to get together with folks whom we’d not yet seen this summer.

We helped ourselves to homegrown leaf lettuce with cherry tomatoes, drizzling Black Market Gourmet’s delicious, from-scratch raspberry vinaigrette over the top. Next, a marinated salad of yellow squash, cucumbers, and tomatoes awaited. We made our way down the line, where Jessica and Chef Jardin heaped our plates with rice and curry and a stir-fried vegetable mélange containing an assortment of greens, eggplant, squash, onions, green beans, and whatever else the master gardeners had harvested. It was colorful, gorgeous and delicious! And, healthy.

This event is one more opportunity for community bonding. We get to take in the lovely fall garden surroundings and soak up the beauty and peacefulness of the garden. One thing I loved was seeing all the people seated on bales of hay amongst the raised beds in the garden proper, visiting and eating.

Designated “runners” dashed in to pick up lunch for their co-workers. These angels swooped in and carted away stacks of take out cartons. Someone in line said, “We’ve been waiting all year for this!”

But, it wasn’t all veggies. Dessert was a mixture of freshly-picked berries cascading over a yummy, local vanilla ice cream. (Eat your heart out, Baskin-Robbins!). It was a perfect ending to the Harvest Lunch of 2012.

Now we wait, already anticipating next year.

~ xoA ~

The Awake Party

Trudy

Last weekend, we celebrated our dear friend Trudy, who is courageously dealing with end-stage cancer. She wanted to have her party while she was still here to enjoy it. She wanted to see the people who mean a lot to her and, as she said, “hear the nice things they say about me.” 

Trudy’s garden and yard had to be immaculate, after all, she’s the president of the Bakersfield Green Thumb Garden Club. She worked hard to make it happen, hung in there on days when she didn’t feel up to par.  With Trudy’s eye and guidance, and partner Sylvia and sister Rebecca doing the heavy lifting and physically intensive jobs, the setting shone picture-perfect.

Sylvia, Rebecca, and Trudy

Trudy sent out the word, and we all came -- family members, lifelong pals, new friends, motorcycle buddies, and garden club friends. Some traveled from as far away as Arizona and Los Angeles, Aguanga, Littlerock, Sacramento, and Redding, California.  Folks from all over town where Trudy has become dear also showed up. The gals from the Speedway convenience store down the street and Joe from the Bulk Yard were on hand. 

An informal open house-style party, characterized by laughter and stories of Trudy and her antics brought us all together. Ever gracious, though tiring as the day progressed, Trudy took time to visit with each person. And, yes, it was emotional, but that’s to be expected. We care deeply.

Sylvia had spent many hours lovingly creating a slide show that showcased the important areas of Trudy’s life. To everyone’s delight, it ran constantly throughout both afternoons.

Sunday morning, friend Chelli, who had driven in from Arizona the afternoon before, rose with a mission in mind. Her early morning shopping trip resulted in a bountiful array of scrapbooking materials and a small photo printer.  As people arrived at the house later that day, she took pictures of them with Trudy. The guests then created a scrapbook page that displayed the photo and their message for Trudy. Participating in this way initiated a wonderful memory for each one of us while creating the epitome of a memory book for Trudy and Sylvia.

An Awake Party. Not a wake. That’s what Trudy wanted. It gave us a chance to pay our respects to her and to let her know how important she is to us, how much we love her. It’s a priceless gift each of us can hold in our hearts, a gift for which I am beyond grateful.

~ xoA

Charmed by San Miguel

After a five-year absence, Judy and I have returned to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. It’s our third visit to this place and the people that we love. From the minute we arrived in this charming colonial town northwest of Mexico City, we’ve felt right at home and experienced a kinship.

  

On our rooftop patio

What beckons us here is the delightful atmosphere and appearance of the town, the industriousness of the San Miguelenese, being able to immerse ourselves in the culture, and the promise of reconnecting with friends.
San Miguel has a magical effect on people who visit or decide to live here. It’s about the community – the dual culture with the events and the people of “old Mexico” and others from around the world.  There is a compactness, a concentration, of the arts, language, and history within the realm of the beauty and charm of “old Mexico” that transcends nationality.

Calle Canal

Vendors at the gigantic Tuesday Market

It’s about the friendliness. Myriad opportunities for meeting new people present themselves. We’ve encountered remarkable individuals, Mexican, Norte Americano, and European, with varied careers, experiences, and talents. That we will meet and make new friends is a given. San Miguel is a place where folks come for a visit, fall in love with the town, and make new friends. Then, before returning home, they book their reservations for the following year. Some simply stay.

View of La Parroquia, down Calle Correro

As we left a new lunch spot today, we were speaking with Geraldo, the owner, about the United States and Mexico. He told us that his brother lives in California and is married to an American. Then, he said, “We are not just neighbors, we are family.”

Yes, we are charmed by San Miguel. And, I will be sharing more about this incredible part of the world.

‘Place’ is one of the five themes of geography. One aspect of this theme is how a place affects people. Think about what place soothes or stimulates you, or makes you happy to be there. When’s the last time you were there? Or, when might you return? Hasta luego.

~xoA

Save Some Time for You

That time of the year is fast approaching.  We have way too many items on our “to do” lists and too little time.  Besides, it’s cold and gloomy outside, and the days are getting shorter. 

In order to get from Point A to Point B, we have to keep going.  There’s no way around it.  And, as we look forward to the holiday season, we bring in more and more “Point B’s” – places we have to get to, things we need to do.  Sometimes those crowd our usual habits and routines and eat up the time we’ve set aside for ourselves.

I remember a young friend from college days who dubbed her mother-in-law “Wonder Woman.”  It seems this lady was everywhere, doing everything -- and perfectly.  When my friend tried to emulate Mrs. S, she was always frazzled and felt like she was on the brink of disaster.  She had no down time. After her children were born, my friend realized she had to let that go of the idea of being Wonder Woman Jr. so she could dedicate time to take better care of herself.

A little quiet time

When additional stressors show up in our lives, we must carve out some precious time for ourselves and for the activities that relieve stress for us.  Maybe it’s time alone or a cup of tea with a friend.  Maybe it’s a walk in the park or a workout at the gym.  Whatever it is, for our own health and well-being, we must let nothing encroach on that time.  We must keep doing those things that buoy us up.

We might look to see how errands or other trips outside of home can be combined.  Plot our route before leaving the house, and take all of our coupons, lists, or paperwork with us.  This will save time, gasoline, and money and allow us to gather some “me time” during the day.

Delegating duties to other family members or allowing friends to help are good ways to free up some time.  When someone asks, “What can I bring?” or "How can I help?" be ready with an answer. Let them  stop at the cleaners or the grocery store, make a salad, or bring their favorite holiday side dish.  Most people really want to help if they knew what was needed.  We really don’t have to do it all.

How can you build in some time, just for you, during this busy holiday season?

~ xoA ~

When Friends Become Family

Families are like potlucks. We partake of whatever’s there. Some dishes we love and want more helpings, and others we take with a grain of salt or test a spoonful at a time. A few dishes, we may have sampled before and know that they are not to our particular taste so we leave them alone.

Gene & Elaine

The Women of Substance

Friends are different. Circumstances or the Universe bring us together, and before we know it, those folks have a home in our hearts. Often it happens when we’re lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time, like I was when I ran into Elaine and Gene in Rooster’s, a little coffee shop in Medford, Oregon. Or, when I met those seven extraordinary women by merely walking into Counseling 101 at Cal State Bakersfield back in 1995.

After the initial contact, some of those friends draw even closer; they become like family. Unlike the days when people stayed put, biological families are often spread out across the country or the globe.  We’ve begun to enfold the folks whose lives intersect with ours on a regular basis, and regard them as family. They become our “Family of Choice.”

The mutual love, respect, and caring that bind families of choice are every bit as present and strong as our best relationships with the family into which we were born. We are there to support and help in times of trouble and to celebrate the moments of joy. 

Sometimes it’s day-to-day contact. We’re helping each other with child-care, making a dinner to share, running an errand, working together on a project, or otherwise checking in. When miles separate us, the warm feeling we have from understanding our special relationship as part of each others’ family of choice lifts our spirits.

These past few years, I’ve been proud and grateful to witness and take part in countless examples of families of choice in action. I’ve seen friends take on the roles of sisters, brothers, parents, and kids, many handling responsibilities that had traditionally been up to family members.

It was the set of friends, the family of choice, who sat with one of my former colleagues in the hospital as she transitioned during her last hour of life when there was no way that her out-of-state siblings could get there.
 

Karen, Marilyn, Mary, and Annie

My Coos Bay, Oregon, family of choice cheered and celebrated with me and for me when my story in Chicken Soup for the Soul was published last summer. Two of them, Karen and Marilyn, were the catalysts for the gratifying book signing event that occurred there.

And, I can never adequately express my appreciation to “Mom Jane,” a retired nurse in Chapel Hill, NC, who accompanied my daughter Asila to numerous medical appointments. When we talk about Asila, we refer to her as “our daughter.”
 

As human beings, we have an innate need for love and belonging. Being part of a family unit is a prime factor in fulfilling that need, no matter the unit’s origin. Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s also friends who’ve become family who add depth, happiness, and richness to our lives.
 

Who are some of the people who are part of your family of choice?

~ xoA ~