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| Dr. Sidney B. Simon |
In my life-long
career as a teacher, I’ve had the good fortune to learn from some of the best.
One of those teachers who grabbed my heart and mind is Sid Simon. Nowadays, Sid
is retired as Professor Emeritus at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst,
but our first encounter was in Ann Arbor, Michigan, when I taught there. His
book, Values Clarification, his engaging presentations, and his heartwarming
manner made a huge impact on my life and my teaching.
A dozen years
later, Sid landed in Bakersfield for a two-day intensive workshop. This is when
I learned about the power of the language of validation and how heartfelt,
genuine, affirming words change lives. Near the end of the workshop, after many
personal exchanges among participants, Sid presented the concept of validation
and provided a list of ways to begin. We practiced on each other; visibly
basking in the glow of the words we’d heard and the words we’d spoken.
I came across Sid
Simon’s validation sentence stems recently in a book called Love Builders;Powerful Validation Tools to Enhance Every Relationship that Sid co-wrote with
Sally Crosiar. They are reminders of how we can speak to envelop those whom we
love with validation. Try some of these:
I appreciate…
(how you have… that you… the ability you have to …)
I like … (the way
you… when I see you… the times when you…)
I respect you…
(for how you… every time I see
you… because you’re a person who…)
I admire you…
(for your gift of… for your way
of… for how you can…)
I applaud … (your
ability to… your courage in… your discipline when…)
I celebrate…
(your … the ways you… the talents you…)
As we begin to
use the language of validation more frequently, it may feel strange or sound
mechanical. But practice and positive feedback in words and deeds will help
using these words become a natural part of us. Spoken in a genuine, meaningful
way, without qualifying statements or “buts”, the language of validation feeds
the souls of our loved ones.
“Buts” negate the
validation and chip away at the bond we try to create. For example, “I admire
your way of creating a beautiful home, but it drives me nuts to never know what
color the walls are going to be when I walk through the door.” This roller coaster statement, with its ups
and downs rings an alarm bell instead of making the listener feel valued. No “buts”
about it.
So go ahead. Try
out the language of validation on those whom you love. Dish out encouragement by
surrounding them with affirmations and acknowledgement of their gifts and
talents. Everyone wins.
~ xoA ~
