In earlier posts this year, I’ve encouraged us all to try a
different way of communicating. I’ve mentioned Choice Theory and promised I
would tell more about it later. While I’m no expert -- there are those who have
studied long and practiced Choice Theory with clients for many years -- I can offer a simplistic explanation.
It all boils down to the fact that the only person whose
behavior we can control is our own. All the rest -- the advising, “should-ing”,
ordering, pleading, conversing -- is providing information. We can tell people
what they ought to do, what we think is best for them, what we want and what we
want them to do about it. But we can’t control what they choose to do.
Information or stimuli don’t make us behave in a certain
way. Information is not in control of us. We choose our behavior based on the information
we receive, our perception of it, and our belief that someone or something else
can control our behavior.
The doorbell rings (stimulus). We have choices: 1) open the
door 2) don’t answer the door. Many
think responding to a ringing doorbell is a must-do. After all, it is RINGING! It’s
summoning us; someone is here to see us. But, that doorbell is merely
providing information: someone is at the door. We choose whether we want
to open it, see who is there, and deal with them. On rare occasions, we decide
we don’t want to be bothered by whomever it is, so we ignore the doorbell.
Other times, we have prior information or may want to satisfy our curiosity,
which influence our choice to open the door.
People will choose to behave in the way that best gets their
needs met. In other words, they, we, all of us, are internally motivated. Our
behavior choice is our attempt to take control of what is happening, with regard
to what we want to be happening.
So, yes, our perceptions and behaviors are much more complex
than this little explanation shows. But the idea of choosing our behavior to
satisfy our needs and wants and bring us closer to the folks in our lives is
fascinating. And, the practice is satisfying.
I invite you to keep an open mind, do your own further investigation of
William Glasser's Choice Theory, and try out some of the principles to see the positive
difference they make in your life.
~ xoA
This simple illustration really helps my understanding of Choice Theory. I guess I never realized how much choice we really have in any situation.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Thanks, Joan. I'm glad it helped further your understanding. It's a simple concept, but sometimes the wording gets in the way. xoA
DeletePerhaps as I'm getting older, I see more choice than I did when I was younger. But women particularly, I believe, have some difficulty in separating what they 'should' do from what they 'could' do. Lovely, clear discussion. Thank you, Annis.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing and for your observation, Beth. I might add, and for women, some have difficulty going with what they 'want' to do.
DeleteI appreciate your encouragement. xoA
Dear Annis,
ReplyDeleteRecognizing that the multiplicity of choices available in the space between stimulus and response is empowering. I find pausing and taking a breath before reacting improves the quality of my life and my relationships. Thank you for another insight in "what it all boils down to." XOD
Hey, Dennis ~ I agree, it IS empowering to realize the many choices available. For some, it may be overwhelming at first. Most of us would do well to step back a moment and consider our options, realizing, too, that few decisions must be instantaneous.
DeleteThanks so much for taking the time to read and to share and for your encouraging comments. xoA
Nicely said, I'm always put off by the people who feel like they have no control over their life and stuff just happens. No it doesn't you permit or choose most of it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing and sharing your take on this, Sandy. We all attempt to control what we can with out choices. xoA
Delete